ON SAFARI by Mike Resnick It was a sunny summer day on Selous, as it always was. The sky was a perfect blue, the grass was green, and you could smell excitement in the air.
“Just think,” said Anthony Tarica, as he and his companion stepped through the hatch of the ship and began walking down the ramp to the ground. “We might have won a negatronic washer and dryer instead.”
“Poor Roberts,” agreed Linwood Donahue, following him down the ramp. “If he’d sold just three more units, he’d have replaced one of us here.” He snickered. “I hope the poor sonuvabitch has a lot of laundry.”
“I can’t believe we’re really here!” enthused Tarica. “All my life I’ve wanted to go on a real safari.”
“I wonder how they could afford it,” said Donahue. “I mean, a safari has to cost a lot more than a washer and dryer.”
“Why worry about it?” said Tarica, taking a deep breath and scenting adventure. “We’re here for the next five days, and that’s all that matters.”
They cleared customs and walked out of the tiny spaceport. They looked around, but there were no people in sight, just a few parked vehicles.
“That’s funny,” said Tarica. “I’d have thought there’d be someone from the safari company here to meet us.”
“Yeah,” said Donahue. “What do we do now?”
“If you gentlemen will step this way,” said a cultured masculine voice, “I will attend to all your needs.”
Tarica looked around. “Who said that?”
“I did.”
Tarica and Donahue exchanged looks. “Am I going crazy, or did that safari vehicle just speak to us?” asked Donahue.
“I most certainly did,” said the vehicle.
“I never saw a talking car before,” said Tarica. “Oh, back home mine reminds me to fasten my seat belt and take the keys out of the ignition and not to try to beat the yellow light, and it castigates me when I go over the speed limit, but I’ve never actually had a conversation with one.”
“I am Quatermain, your fully-equipped safari car and guide, trained in every aspect of safaris and safari life. I have an encyclopedic knowledge of the flora and fauna of Selous, I know every watering hole, every secret trail, every hidden hazard. I come equipped with a mini-kitchen in my trunk, an auxiliary trunk for your luggage, and a supply of water that will last for the duration of your safari. Furthermore, I am capable of erecting your rustic tent at day’s end, and of protecting your safety at all times. I run on a small plutonium chip, and will not run out of energy for another 27.348 Earth years.” One of the trunks popped open. “If you gentlemen will please deposit your luggage in here, we can begin our exotic adventure.”
“Right now?” asked Tarica, surprised.
“Have you a problem with that?” responded Quatermain.
“No,” said Tarica hastily. “I just expected that we’d spend a day unwinding in some luxury lodge before we set out on the actual safari.”
“Luxury lodges are incompatible with safari experience,” replied Quatermain. “If you gentlemen will climb into my back seat, we can be off on the adventure of a lifetime.”
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